I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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