Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
