You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
3pm strippers are depressing
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
