Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
