i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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