I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
