I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
