Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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