I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
