I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
