You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
