just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
