I faked an abortion last night.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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