I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
