My liver just broke up with me...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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