I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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