You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
God, I missed his penis.
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