On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
