I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
