Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
