my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
