Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
