I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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