as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Houston, we have a blender
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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