it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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