I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
