Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
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Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
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She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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