I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
