hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
