Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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