when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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