It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
