well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
