I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
