dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
