Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
