i wish there were pregnant emoticons
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
