I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
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