tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
