alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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