"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
