did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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