I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
