You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
