saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
