The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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