She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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