its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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