After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
How's work?
Spinning.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
