Will you blow on my dice?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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