I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
