I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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