I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions