got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive