The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.