Pants 0. Shit 1.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.