If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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