worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
