they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
